There will be *Spoilers* in this blog. You have been warned. But really, if you are worried about Rampage spoilers, you may want to re-evaluate a few things in life.
Full disclosure, I had no desire to see this movie, but Circle K and I found ourselves on a rare date night with 4 hours to kill on Friday so we did dinner and a movie before picking up the kids from their post wrestling season party. Basically we were waiting for our food any trying to figure out what movie at Galaxy in Riverbank fit our time frame best, and that was Rampage. We both went into it with very low expectations and just figured it would be a dumb fun popcorn flick.
I saw Baywatch, and hated it because I felt like it missed the aura of the show we grew up watching. However Baywatch had plenty of funny moments, a plot, the characters all made sense, and Alexandra Daddario
I also saw San Andreas with the expectation to not like it, but actually walked away feeling satisfied. It had great action, a plot, the characters made sense, and Alexandra Daddario
Now, I am not saying that having Alexandra Daddario would have saved this movie, but it sure would have helped.
*Spoilers start now*
What was funny about this movie is that they spent a lot of money on it. The cast is great from The Rock, to Malin Akerman, to Jeffery Dead Morgan, and Joe Manganiello. Plus all of the CGI is top notch and I am assuming about 90% of the film was done in front of a green screen.
So we open in space. Why? Because science. We are on board a vessel where everyone is apparently dead except for one person. She is being told by ground control that she cannot board the emergency escape pod without retrieving the space experiment, but she is freaking out because apparently whatever rat they brought with them into space to experiment on is now giant and killed everyone on board. Why they did this experiment have to be in space, I have no idea. How exactly it is a civilian funded space experiment is also apparently not important. Our astronaut is only able to get 3 of the 6 samples before she freaks out and ground control lets her board the escape pod, which the giant rat compromises, so our astronaut dies but the 3 containers are hurled toward Earth in a fiery explosion. Following with the game, the 3 containers crash near a gorilla, wolf, and alligator.
Now we meet our cast of characters. The Rock is the gorilla George's handler. He has his quirky sidekick, and a couple of kid characters to establish the Rock is a mentor of some sort. Here we see that The Rock and George have a tight relationship. Soon George mutates and becomes simply a bigger gorilla, and is hunted down by Neegan with some tranquilizer darts (I will explain why this is dumb later) and then ingeniously placed on a plane. A giant angry gorilla on a plane.
Anyway, we also get to meet Ralph the wolf. Ralph is hilariously being hunted by what appear to be a bunch of mercs working for the company responsible for the space stuff earlier, lead by none other than Joe Manganiello. Yes, they guy who was a werewolf on True Blood is hunting the wolf in Rampage. Anyway, that doesn't last long because the wolf literally kills everyone. We also get a glimpse of Lizzy, who we can only assume is an alligator because her canister landed in the everglades.
When we finally meet the antagonists Malin Auckerman and what I assume is her whiny ass brother, we get absolutely no idea what their motive is. Genetic engineering or whatever, but with zero purpose. She is freaking out because she doesn't want these mutated animals being traced back to her, and she only knows about the wolf (who escaped) and the gorilla. So she luckily has a device on the roof that will emit a high pitch sound that can only be heard by the mutated animals, and they will stop at nothing to get back to it. This is her plan. How does she have this device since she doesn't even know what she created? Why were these experiments done in space again? How does she know this works and why is it even a good plan to lure giant animals to the middle of Chicago, especially when you are trying to prevent these monsters from being traced back to your company? I don't have any of these answers. But of course it doesn't matter because somehow the government finds out about it and the FBI raids their offices anyway.
The plane with George crashes because George wakes up and chaos happens. George meets up with Lizzy and they join forces to go to Chicago and, I dunno, attack the bad sound? Either way, the military is dispatched to battle the giant monsters that are now attacking Chicago and things get weird. So George is just a big ass gorilla. That's it. Ralph somehow is now also part porcupine and can shoot his quills at helicopters. Ralph is also part flying squirrel, which we see later. George got none of these extra abilities. Lizzy emerges from the waterways of Chicago and apparently went from being an alligator to some kind of ankylosaurus hybrid.
So while George became just a larger, angrier gorilla, Ralph got projectile weapons and wings, while Lizzy somehow got prehistoric DNA. Also, it really bothered me that George was the smallest of the 3, while Lizzy was the biggest. But whatever. The animals start destroying Chicago while trying to get to the bad sound and fight the army the entire way. Guns mounted on planes a helicopters have zero effect on our friends, and neither do actual rockets, but remember Neegan was able to shoot George with a tranq earlier. When the animals find the bad sound, they also find the Rock, Malin, and the antidote (of course), but Malin is stealing the antidote at gunpoint for some reason, and then gets eaten by I think Lizzy. However the woman (love interest?) helping the Rock managed to hide one vile of antidote...to something that the company really had no idea what it was. But they had an antidote. So of course they stab (bulletproof) George with it. So now George and the Rock are a team and are going to fight Lizzy and Ralph together, but the rock tricks Lizzy into biting Ralph's head off (After Ralph flies a few times). So now the Army is going to drop a MOAB on Chicago to kill Lizzy, but Neegan saves the day by convincing the general to wait and see if the Rock can save the day.
This is way longer than I thought it would be, but basically George is almost dead, but musters up the strength to stab (bulletproof) Lizzy through the eyeball with a giant steel beam. this is after the Rock threw a bag of grenades in her gills. When did she get gills? I don't know.
This review is terribly convoluted, but so was the movie. Nothing about it made any sense and it was too confusing to be a genuinely fun popcorn movie. I am putting this movie up there with Battlefield Earth and House Of The Dead for worst movies I have ever seen.
Side note, when the Rock refers to himself in sign language with George, he actually used the sign for Rock. It's kinda funny.